WinoSanta's Reindeer Bullwinkle is what his Dad
named him but he says... "Just call me Bull!"
Bull wants it clearly understood from the get-go that he is a full blooded
Yukon Moose (Alces americanus) and not some pansy Reindeer (Rangifer
tarandus)... otherwise known as a Caribou. You'd best not call him
"Alice" either if you know what's good for you. The story starts with the
following narrative by that world renown Northern Minnesota wildlife guide and
restaurateur-chef Clifford Kraft: Even for a Yukon Moose,
"Bullwinkle" is huge... pushing 74". He not only dwarfs his
Canadian neighbors, but his own kind as well. "A real chunk"... not
the kind of animal you would take for eating, unless you had an awful lot of
chili mix that you needed burger for. Pack this out, across a swamp? No thanks!
Healthy looking, with a belly and a beautiful rack, he is impressive.
"Bullwinkle" is in a class by himself. Remember... that recipe for
"Jellied Moose Nose" will work just as well next year. I just couldn't let Bull
continue to subject himself to the company of folks who viewed him simply as a
huge pile of walking steaks, roasts and hamburger. When the opportunity
presented itself I paid off his stack of misdemeanor tickets and sent him
enough money so he could travel here to the Kansa Territories. We won't discuss
here why he was on the wrong side of the law but suffice it to say that it was
just for being a moose and doing what a moose does naturally... hardly his
fault since (wait for it) he's a moose! He wasn't here long before
he had to get out of the house to "stretch his legs" and I'm here to
tell you he has some really long legs. Anyway... the first I knew that he was
back in trouble again was when John Law showed up at my front door with Bull in
a Sanitation Department dump truck. Apparently Bull did some minor structural
damage to the Police Paddy Wagon that they first tried to transport him in. When I read the police report
I got "the rest of the story!" Hugo H. Horowitz... a local 'colorful
character' who lives out of his 1985 Yugo under the Kaw River Bridge just north
of First Street and Kansas Avenue ...had just finished his shift as one of
Santa's helpers at the WestRidgeMall in Topeka when he discovered his B&B
on wheels wouldn't start. Hugo quickly determined
that he had made a poor judgment call when he had gotten his last paycheck. It
had been a choice between Thunderbird and Unleaded and had seemed like a "no
brainer" at the time. Anyway... Hugo had been sitting in his Yugo
polishing off his last Double Magnum and listening to Pete "Big Dog"
Fetters' Thunderbird Wine on his Walkman. When what to his wondering
eyes should appear but one big honking reindeer! Bull had... through no
fault of his own ...wandered into a really bad situation while on his
constitutional/walk-about. Hugo ran after Bull and tried to herd
"Rudolph" over to his Yugo. Nobody can guess what was on Hugo's mind
since he didn't have any harness to hookup Ol' RedNose to the Yugo. Bystanders
only saw the results of Bull taking out his frustration on Hugo's rolling
B&B. They reported that Hugo was wandering around muttering incoherently to
himself about Rudolph not being nearly as nice as he had always been led to
believe. I could have told Hugo that
Bull REALLY doesn't like being mistaken for a reindeer! For those of you
that don't recall your history: The National Highway Traffic Safety
Administration judged the Yugo to have the worst crash performance of any car
it had tested. Hugo is now looking for an old Pinto so he can move out
of the refrigerator box behind Sears. Verne R. Walrafen ~ EMail:walrafen@gmmnut.com ~ OHNS#620 |
