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AKA Bullwinkle Alces Americanus

Enlargements only available on ScrapBook CD-ROM

−by Clifford Kraft

AKA Hugo H. Horowitz

Enlargements only available on ScrapBook CD-ROM

−by Lee Griffiths

WinoSanta's Reindeer


   Bullwinkle is what his Dad named him but he says... "Just call me Bull!" Bull wants it clearly understood from the get-go that he is a full blooded Yukon Moose (Alces americanus) and not some pansy Reindeer (Rangifer tarandus)... otherwise known as a Caribou. You'd best not call him "Alice" either if you know what's good for you.


   The story starts with the following narrative by that world renown Northern Minnesota wildlife guide and restaurateur-chef Clifford Kraft: Even for a Yukon Moose, "Bullwinkle" is huge... pushing 74". He not only dwarfs his Canadian neighbors, but his own kind as well. "A real chunk"... not the kind of animal you would take for eating, unless you had an awful lot of chili mix that you needed burger for. Pack this out, across a swamp? No thanks! Healthy looking, with a belly and a beautiful rack, he is impressive. "Bullwinkle" is in a class by himself. Remember... that recipe for "Jellied Moose Nose" will work just as well next year.


   I just couldn't let Bull continue to subject himself to the company of folks who viewed him simply as a huge pile of walking steaks, roasts and hamburger. When the opportunity presented itself I paid off his stack of misdemeanor tickets and sent him enough money so he could travel here to the Kansa Territories. We won't discuss here why he was on the wrong side of the law but suffice it to say that it was just for being a moose and doing what a moose does naturally... hardly his fault since (wait for it) he's a moose!


   He wasn't here long before he had to get out of the house to "stretch his legs" and I'm here to tell you he has some really long legs. Anyway... the first I knew that he was back in trouble again was when John Law showed up at my front door with Bull in a Sanitation Department dump truck. Apparently Bull did some minor structural damage to the Police Paddy Wagon that they first tried to transport him in.


   When I read the police report I got "the rest of the story!" Hugo H. Horowitz... a local 'colorful character' who lives out of his 1985 Yugo under the Kaw River Bridge just north of First Street and Kansas Avenue ...had just finished his shift as one of Santa's helpers at the WestRidgeMall in Topeka when he discovered his B&B on wheels wouldn't start.

   Hugo quickly determined that he had made a poor judgment call when he had gotten his last paycheck. It had been a choice between Thunderbird and Unleaded and had seemed like a "no brainer" at the time. Anyway... Hugo had been sitting in his Yugo polishing off his last Double Magnum and listening to Pete "Big Dog" Fetters' Thunderbird Wine on his Walkman. When what to his wondering eyes should appear but one big honking reindeer!


   Bull had... through no fault of his own ...wandered into a really bad situation while on his constitutional/walk-about. Hugo ran after Bull and tried to herd "Rudolph" over to his Yugo. Nobody can guess what was on Hugo's mind since he didn't have any harness to hookup Ol' RedNose to the Yugo. Bystanders only saw the results of Bull taking out his frustration on Hugo's rolling B&B. They reported that Hugo was wandering around muttering incoherently to himself about Rudolph not being nearly as nice as he had always been led to believe.


   I could have told Hugo that Bull REALLY doesn't like being mistaken for a reindeer! For those of you that don't recall your history: The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration judged the Yugo to have the worst crash performance of any car it had tested. Hugo is now looking for an old Pinto so he can move out of the refrigerator box behind Sears.


Verne R. Walrafen ~ ~ OHNS#620